Lately I've been feeling a little strange...I know part of it is because of my lack of anti-depression meds, they won't be in till the 12th for some ungodly reason, and it doesn't help that my body is completely unreliable. I guess its just that.
I just feel like maybe its time I started trusting myself more. I know I'm 21 and should have been able to trust myself by now, but because of the pain, I can't rely on myself to remember the littlest things...like I keep forgetting to post, or scan, or draw! I'm getting tired of being unable to rely on the sisters for things like that...and Nate can only do so much when he has work.
I'm just tired. Tired of holding myself back, of resisting doing things I want to. I've heard of people who develop pain or sickness being opened up to what they want and doing it, but I don't think its that...
I think I'm just tired of being disappointed. The girls, I love them, but they suck. They're busy with school, and I'm not going to get in the way of their school, they need that, but they don't have time for me anymore. We almost never talk, and when we do its about video games. They don't give me feedback when I ask for it other than "Oh, that's cool." Ok, you like it, but what ABOUT it do you like!? We only ever talk about their stuff, they don't ever ask, hey, hows your day been? If they do they don't really listen, they just go into how their day was. I know there is an age difference between us that can make things difficult, but thats no reason to ignore me like they have.
So I'm done. I'm done with them ignoring me. I'm going to do what I want, when I want to, without asking their opinions. They don't ever talk to me, so I won't talk to them and expect anything other than "Ok, we will". They'll be leaving for college soon anyway, better get used to them being gone. They don't seem to understand how much I rely on them being there, just talking, because they don't talk. So I won't rely on them.
Sorry for the long journal, but I needed to get that all out. I won't apologize though. For anything. I'm done holding back and saying sorry.